The gentle rolling waves fell in to the shore, rumbling and moaning with each swell. The woman sat at the edge of them letting the water lick at her toes and slide its way up to her knees. In her mid-thirties, she was trapped in the void between young and old, naïve and wise. I could just slip under the sea. She thought to herself. No one would know. I could just slip away. She felt the cool salty bath wash through her toes and lowered her head to watch the rhythm. The slightly unsteady beat matched her hiccuping thoughts.
Her mind drifted to her career- rewarding and fulfilling, one of the pleasures in her life where she felt whole. She escaped in to the day to day harmonies and the expected phrases of time, but the chords swiftly shifted away from melodies to broken strings and the weight of the darkness that haunted her. Is it enough? She asked the sea. The waves groaned their response and faded back in to rolling rhythms while she ruminated in the heartaches that she towed behind her.
The deep cello sounds of the water reminded her of the loves that burned through each heart-string with slow fire. She let herself delve in to the forgotten memories. First to the young loves that brought a gentle smile to her face as she thought of the innocence and naivety of it all. The seventeen-year-old version of herself who danced the night away in the arms of the eighteen-year-old boy under the stars after sneaking her parents’ whiskey and the summer loves that arrived and faded with the sun. And, like the sun, those memories dipped below the horizon and left room for the dusk to creep in. She closed her eyes and breathed in the air, heavy with the realization that none of the loves had stayed. Memories of fists that broke her spirit made their impact felt once again and she looked to the ocean for answers that never came. She believed that we are never given more than we can handle but wondered if maybe this was the final swell.
Sweet songs played in her mind as she thought of the man who opened her eyes to the potential for good. For a moment there was hope of a connection that would feed her lonely soul. The memories of kind words and the tight safety of warm arms filled the movies in her mind. The smile that had burst its way forward at a thoughtful message teased the corners of her mouth just long enough that she could almost feel the happiness in her stomach once again, but that sensation was as fleeting at the belief in the hope. Foolishly, she’d let him crack through the tough shell she had built over time. In a matter of minutes, he had found a way to flake away a piece of the wall. She had risked too much, too fast, deluded by the fantasy of being free of the chains that bound her. But, as quickly as she had taken her place on the presented pedestal, the balance tipped, and the fall had been painful and filled with regret and shame. Never again, she’d sworn. Never again will I believe the words I know to be false. Never again would false flattery be her downfall. She knew better now than to hear the words as anything other than manipulation. She was not amazing and wonderful. She was not a force. She was an unnoticeable breeze. And back she went to her battered soul and the grip of what is known.
She could see the tapestry of her life in the swirling tides. The amount of times she’d let go of her dreams to help someone keep theirs bubbled around her feet. So little of the story of her life was about her. She was a supporting character in the film. She silenced her voice and tempered her needs and gave herself willingly to others while trying to carve pieces of herself in to her skin. She stood tall and played her role almost to perfection. No one would ever have known that this wasn’t the whole picture. She laughed loudly, danced boldly and was the light in the room. She wondered how much of herself she’d lost along the way giving the impression that she was okay in order to take care of others. She’d take the pain so someone else didn’t have to. I’m not ok. No one hears me.
She tasted the salt on her cheek as she replayed lost friendships and the tightrope walking along the edges of the circle of people in her life. She was like the puzzle piece that you turn again and again, convinced that it’s the one when clearly the fit isn’t right. The heaviness of plans made in front of but without her made her hunch slightly as she picked up lumps of sand and let them fall between her fingers. Smiling photographs and “wish you were here” captions reminded her that she was never invited in the first place. No one “wished she was there” – no one thought to ask. She wiped away the mourning for those who crumpled her up and threw her aside forgetting her story wasn’t done being written yet. Or maybe it is.
What’s it like? She asked the sea. To have people see you for who you are? She could almost hear the comments about beauty as though they were being said in that very moment. From the scathing cuts of teenage awkwardness to the lies of “you’re beautiful” as men took what they wanted and gave nothing in return, the words burned so badly the skin almost peeled off in layers. No one ever sees past my face. There were few people who wanted to know anything beyond the surface and those who did left quickly. She wished she’d been born different- either so beautiful that she could see what they saw or so ugly that it didn’t matter. Maybe then, she wouldn’t fall so easily for the lies and grasp empty air while tying to find a hand to hold. Maybe then she wouldn’t be denied genuine conversation, maybe then the hand that forced its way in uninvited never would have come. Maybe then…
The game of “maybes” continued to play in her head as she stood and stared in to the never ending blue. Maybe this really is the best it gets. Maybe. She took a step. Maybe people would stop assuming she never needed anything. Maybe. She took another step. Maybe she wouldn’t feel so forgotten by those she reached out to. Maybe the deep would bring back the dreams. Maybe crashing tides could break a stalemate against the world. Maybe the emptiness would melt away with the saltwater bath. Maybe. She dove under the dancing waves. Maybe.
Maybe not. Said the sea.